Life of a Broken Family

  I know there are many kids out there with divorced parents, but I wanted to share my experience with it. It has been more than hard and even though it has been 4 and half years, I’m constantly dealing with its effects.  On July 5, 2007 my father left out to Colorado as a pipe fitter. My mother and I have never had a good relationship besides when I was really young and even then I’ve always been closer to my dad. When he left just for work, I felt like a piece of me was missing.. My mother and I got worse. I barely have day that I don’t shed a tear. Her abuse was both physical and mental and it took its effect on me. I remember kids not wanting to come to my house because they didn’t want to be near her. I remember her telling me she hated me because I accidentally made the jeep alarm go off. My father was barely home and I would stay at the door crying when he left. I loved him. I loved spending time with him. I remember when I was little how he would share his pizza rolls with me and my brother when he got home from work. I remember waking up at 12 in the middle of the night and crawling onto the recliner with him and watching cartoons and then him carry me back to bed. So compared to the way my mother made me feel, I felt like I was on cloud 9. In the fall of 2008, when I was 9, we started traveling with him and being homeschooled. We went to Texas and Louisiana. I was so homesick and my dad worked constantly. We came back in December of 2009. I was back at school that next semester. My mother and father fought a lot.  Money was always an issue among other things. He went back to work in Memphis, a city three hours away. He stayed there and came home on weekends. Near December of 2010, he would barely come home. He was always “sick.” That came out to be untrue. I was already trying to survive my mother, and then on January 21rst of 2011 my dad went “missing.” My mother thought he was dead. We were worried sick, and we even involved Memphis police. He wouldn’t answer any call, but I knew he wasn’t dead. I remember calling him begging him to answer me. I was 11 at the time. We found out he was in Troy with friends. He came home that very next day. That is when he told my mother he wanted a divorce. I remember hearing her punch the wall and her begging him to not. But he was firm. He came in and told me and my brother. I couldn’t really cry, because I expected it. I knew how things were. I saw it coming. My brother cried like crazy, but I thought I would get to live with my dad. Boy was I wrong. I found out that my dad had been cheating on my mom… My dad moved to her house. She had three kids, and I never expected he would’ve cheated. He just didn’t seem like it. But people still surprise me. During the summer of 2011 I stayed over at my dad’s a lot because my great aunt Deborah was sick, she had cancer. I would help my grandma take care of her. It takes a lot out of a kid to watch someone he or she was so close to die. It just doesn’t seem fair. I remember the memories we made through out the years like when I was little and we would all go to the circus or go get milkshakes. It seems forever ago, and I’d do anything to relive those memories. I remember that glimmer of hope I had that she would survive the cancer, that she would get better. Unfortunately on the morning of June 30th, she was gone. I remember seeing her dead body in the hospital bed in the living room. I held her hand. I just couldn’t believe it. I had just seen her the day before. I didn’t cry until months later because that is when it sank in. It hit me like an explosion and I came undone. I tried moving in with my dad, but my mother refused. I would wake up crying in the middle of night crying out for my daddy or my grandma. I got so use to having them there. Well my mother told me that I would never live with him, no matter what happened. She told me I was ungrateful and cussed at me and went on until I had a panic attack. I’ve had them a lot since then. I still have trouble with it. Then my dad moved to Texas. I barely got to see him and it was painful. Was it so much to ask to see my parents everyday? Soon my brother left to him too. I was in an empty house with no one to talk to. I bottle so much up and then it comes out and tears.  My mother took things out on me a lot. She no longer used physical means, just mental. I still get called names. When I’m 18, I’m getting away from her and staying away from her. One day shortly after the divorce, we were in the truck and she accidentally elbowed me in the ribs and I started crying because it hurt. She then got mad at me for crying and elbowed me harder. I didn’t expect that. She would bring us to bonfires and get drunk. I remember once she wouldn’t let me come outside and get food so I had to send another kid. I love my mother but it has gotten to the point where I never want anything to do with her again. I remember begging God for a nice mother, like the other girls had. God has his reasons, and I just have to learn to trust in Him. I am severely depressed. No one at my school really seems to notice, but I am. I feel empty. I sacrificed sports so I could spend my summers with my dad. I don’t have any close friends anymore besides my boyfriend. I just feel broken. My dad moved back to Tennessee in November of 2013. I saw him more, but I still felt replaced by his wife and step kids. My mother got married in 2014 to a man and he had two kids. None of them live with me besides my step dad and he’s gone mostly. I come home to school to an empty house and I feel complete loneliness.  I don’t have my father at home waiting for when I get dropped off from my boyfriend’s. I don’t have my father checking out my boyfriend making sure he’s okay. Sometimes I don’t have my father for my birthday. Things other people take for granted, I wish for. I wouldn’t mind if things were stricter as long as my family was together. My brother’s graduating soon and it doesn’t seem right. Pieces of me are with them. I love my family, and it hurts when I can’t have them. I know there are people out there with worst situations. I’m not trying to get attention. I just wished to write this down. I left out a lot, but I got the basics. I wander if my marriage will last when I get married, if all men cheat, and if I should trust anyone. I have panic attacks and huge trust issues. I feel so empty and I wish someone would help me at times, but I will learn to love myself and grow from everything. I love helping people. I want to be there for people, because I know what it feels like to feel alone, abandoned, and not cared about. I love everyone, even if I do not agree with them. Yes, even my mother. I don’t really know what to do, but I’m just gonna trust God to guide me and comfort me. Never be afraid to come to me. I love you. Looking back now, maybe my life was to make me stronger. Everything happens for a reason.

Rachel Hopes

Closing the book

This is remarkable.

chanyado

You get married and you think this is the man you will spend the rest of your life with.

Then life happens.

You separate, and for the next three years you don’t see him. You don’t hear his voice. The soft lilt in his Rs. You don’t see him ruffled up in the morning before he puts on his armour to face the world. You don’t smell him in the corridor before you leave the house. You don’t see his name pop up on your phone. You don’t know what song he belts out as he drives with the window down and Bluetooth earpiece on. You don’t know what person he thinks is a complete muppet. You don’t hear the word muppet anymore. You never have to put the toilet seat down.

You begin to wonder if you dreamed the whole thing up.

The waves now wash over you once every…

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Sweetest Part of Life

Behind every white rose is a black shadow…. Even on the pure and innocent, life takes its toll. It is slow and painful destroying every hope and dream. Every thing that you worked for comes bursting at the seams. The life drowns you away. Death comes and wants to play. So it kisses you and you don’t deny. Because death was the sweetest part of your life.

Rachel Hopes

Impossibility

Staring into a looking glass. Wandering how did it get like this… So much war. So much corruption. I want more than a soothing interruption. I want light to touch the world and make it do more than just turn. I want to be more than just a girl who waits for the sun to burn. A revolution. An evolution of evil to love. A different earth. A birth of something tough. Something new. Something to stop the fire. I want it to come true …to quench the impossible desire. But the world will fade away and death will be upon us. Any day and we will disappear but the universe will adjust. We are just a grand of sand upon an endless beach. We stretch our hands out farther than we can reach. Grasping for more time. But that’s the thing about life. Short and to the point. And then we are gone, destroyed.

Rachel Hopes

Stars May Fall

The stars may fall, but you are my light. In all, I’ll not go down without a fight. Love can not be defeated. Even after you’re gone, the wound is still bleeding. I remember your smile, and the way your eyes would light up. That laugh, and the embrace of your love. Whereever you are, I will follow. Darling, I love you more than you’ll ever know

Rachel Hopes